anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
