Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize