is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
