So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
