Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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