i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
