I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
