I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
