I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
i think my cat just said my name.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
