He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
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