why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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