I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Randomize
