Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
