Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize