i wish my penis had a tongue
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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