I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
