HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
