I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
