I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
