Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
