There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I don't deserve a penis
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
