If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
