12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Life is so much better after having sex.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
