How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
