You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
