Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
