I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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