Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
