He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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