You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
