Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I just had sex on a roof
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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