today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
