the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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