I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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