Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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