someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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