Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize