the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
