I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
