dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
