i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
