Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
