Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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