Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
