Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
