we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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