im about as happy as oj after his trial
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize