I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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