i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
