I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
