i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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