I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
