Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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