She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
