moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
