ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
