Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize