i just sent this text using only my big toe
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
