If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
