Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I think my vagina is haunted
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
