3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
