They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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